A Mug's Guide for Physics Postgraduates
P. A. Robinson January 1998

This guide is intended to help postgraduate students to avoid the worst pitfalls of postgraduate studies and to succeed in their research. It has two parts:
     1. How to Have a Truly Terrible Postgraduate Candidature
     2. The Alternative

Postgraduates' comments have partly shaped this guide and further comments are very welcome.

Close adherence to the following rules will ensure that you have an unpleasant and unsuccessful time as a postgrad and suffer to the maximum in the process:

1.1. Scholarships

• Don't apply for postgraduate scholarships until after the deadline. Arbitrary deadlines don't apply to you. DEETYA and other organizations will recognize that you are special.
• If unsuccessful in getting a scholarship in your first year, don't reapply after one year of work. When your biography is written, success at this point will make your struggle seem less impressive.
• If your scholarship is running out, don't switch to part-time candidature to spin out your HECS exemption. Support the Federal budget instead.

1.2 Choosing a Supervisor and Project

• These choices are not really important. After all, you will only be spending a few years of your life as a postgrad. Toss a coin.
• Choose a supervisor who will be away most of the time and who doesn't work in a field anywhere near your project anyway. Such a person will not cramp your style with preconceived ideas about the project, nor by their continuous smothering presence. Another possibility is to select a supervisor whose contract is about to expire.
• Choose a supervisor who seldom or never publishes in refereed journals — they won't make you write too much.
• Don't ask prospective supervisors' students about the quality of their supervision.
• Choose a life-work for your Ph.D./M.Sc project. If you're lucky you won't get any results by the end and this will save writing a thesis, attending graduation, etc. Don't ask potential supervisors about this.
• Choose a project for which the School has no relevant equipment and/or expertise. By the time you have built/acquired what's needed it will be time to write your thesis, so there'll be no time to include any science.

1.3. Work Habits

• Read nothing. This will save your eyes and prevent your train of thought becoming restricted by past efforts of other workers. Reading also carries the danger of seeing your work in context or of straying into unexplored territory.
• Count on taking lots of holidays. There are only a few lectures, so plan to be away the rest of the time. After all, travel broadens the mind.
• Your Ph.D. isn't a job so don't treat it as one. Your office isn't a place of work, so keep it in the same state of disorder as your bedroom.
• Don't discuss your work with anyone. Chances are they will steal your ideas. This particularly applies to your supervisor, who may try to make ``helpful suggestions'' then claim to have collaborated with you. Discussion with visitors is particularly dangerous — they may invite you to visit their institution (and perhaps offer some financial assistance to do so). In the worst-case scenario, they may even give you a job.
• Never seek assistance from your fellow students in dealing with minor problems with equipment, computers, mathematics, etc. Go directly to a Computer Systems Officer or the Head of School. Also, never help others.
• Definitely wait until the 2nd or 3rd year before starting your research in earnest. The mind works best under deadline conditions.
• Keep any hold-ups in your research progress strictly secret from your supervisor. Wait at least a month or two before letting on that you are stuck. Your ultimate progress (if any) will seem far more spectacular if you can honestly say you did nothing until the 4th year.
• Always wait for your supervisor to suggest the next move. After all, he/she is paid to supervise.
• Never visit the library. A year in the lab or office can save you a boring afternoon of literature searching.
• Don't keep records, notes, or logbooks of your research work. You will want to write your thesis unencumbered by wads of paper. Also, thorough notes may lead to speedy (i.e., wimpish) resolution of difficulties, collaboration with others, and even publication of your results. After your departure, notes may also enable others to use your work, and you wouldn't want that!
• Don't view yourself as part of your research group, department, or the School. The other people around you are nothing to do with you and mostly serve to distract. But they are here to clean up after you.
• Always turn to the computer to solve any problem that arises in your research. It's easier than thinking.

1.4. Planning Your Research

• Plan on taking 7 or more years for an M.Sc. and 10 or more for a Ph.D. The record is 18 years and you should try to break it.
• Never place today's work in the context of your project (or, worse still, the field) as a whole.
• Never write an outline of your progress to date and the tasks remaining. Never show such an outline to your supervisor. A sense of perspective is a luxury you can ill afford.

1.5. Communication

• Avoid speaking to anyone other than your supervisor. Traditionally, science is largely about communication, but who are you to kowtow to tradition?
• If English is your second language, avoid using it at all costs. You could pick up slang. The tea room is a place where you are in great danger of learning speaking and listening skills, so steer clear of it. You may also meet staff and other students there.
• Never look at your email or noticeboards. You may see something that requires action.
• Try to get out of giving talks on your project. Someone in the audience may make a suggestion that will mean extra work. Also, if you become proficient at giving talks you may be asked to speak again.
• Don't attend any conferences. The University has funds available (via the Scholarships office) to try to get you to these gatherings, but don't fall into the trap! You may meet other workers in the field, prospective employers, etc., and others may learn of your work. Conferences also tend to involve you in a lot of bothersome preparation and force you to think about what you have done.
• If you have any difficulty with English or in written/spoken scientific communication (even as a native English speaker), don't even think of attending one of the many workshops and courses put on by the Learning Assistance Center, the International Student Center, or the Center for Teaching and Learning. You may lose a great excuse for saying and writing nothing.
• Don't teach in lab, tutorials, or elsewhere. You are here to work on your research, not to acquire communication skills.

1.6. Writing Papers and Your Thesis

• Don't write a word about your work before starting your thesis in the 4th or 5th year — it may fall into enemy hands. You don't want to spoil your innate style by practising scientific writing over a long period. Keeping it from your supervisor will also avoid a lot of bothersome feedback and redrafting.
• Under no circumstances should you write any scientific papers in the first two years, and preferably none at all. Papers will only waste your time, force you to write in ``acceptable'' (i.e., neo-fascist) scientific style, fill up your CV, and put you in danger of employment after graduation.
• If you absolutely must publish, only do so in conference proceedings or obscure journals. This will ensure that no-one reads the work and will enable you to deny that you've written any ``real'' papers if you need to. Avoid major international journals like {\it Physical Review}, {\it The Astrophysical Journal}, {\it Journal of Modern Optics}, and {\it Physics of Plasmas} at all costs.
• When writing your thesis try to disguise or omit the motivation, main results, and conclusions. Only truly discerning minds will be able to penetrate your camouflage and those are the only minds worth writing for. Riff-raff will marvel at your erudition.
• Write the biggest thesis you can.
• If you have made the mistake of writing papers during your candidature, don't put them directly in your thesis — that would be too easy! Instead, spend 6 months rewriting them in a modified format.
• Expect your supervisor to write any papers based on your work. He or she will also be happy to write most of your thesis. After all, is a Ph.D. or M.Sc. really the place to learn scientific writing style?

1.7. Courses and Seminars

• Don't attend any talks or colloquiums in fields other than your own. You may encounter new and disturbing ideas. If you make the mistake of being caught in a colloquium or research group seminar, it is OK to doze off — just try not to wake others by snoring.
• Don't go to safety or induction days or Physics Board meetings. You may learn essential information about the School. Safety information may even prolong someone's life, thereby interfering with the process of natural selection.
• Don't bother doing the required lecture courses. Complete your thesis and then ask for an exemption. The School is bound to realize that you are special.

1.8. Getting a Job

• Don't write a CV. This will enable you to avoid submitting scholarship and job applications (which often have short deadlines) on the pretext that you don't have time to write a CV.
• Don't apply for any fellowships or other jobs before submitting your thesis. The 6 – 12 month lead time on many positions will let you have a good rest before getting back down to work.
• String out your degree as long as possible. It's better to be unpaid than paid for doing research.
• Don't look at any of the employment bulletin boards, such as those found at\\ http://www.aip.org/pt/ and the links therein.

1.9. Miscellaneous

• If you have any personal or other problems that interfere with your progress, keep them to yourself. Don't mention a thing to your supervisor, the postgraduate coordinator, the Postgraduate Review Committee, or any of the student services departments that exist to help. If you have suffered from ill health, don't bother asking your GP for a certificate — you will only keep other patients waiting and disrupt his/her busy day.
• Don't remind your supervisor to choose examiners for your thesis 3 months before submission and don't have him/her submit the names to the Faculty in advance. You want a decent break between submission and passing of the thesis.
• On submission, don't tell the Faculty that the examiners can keep their copies of your thesis. If you do, they may cite it.

If the above masochistic steps don't appeal to you, you might want to do the exact opposite, read the section on Common Misconceptions below, and also glance at the suggested Ph.D. timetable on the subsequent pages. Remember, the postgraduate coordinator Ferg Brand (Room 340, ext 12483, email: brand) is always available to assist you with any problems or other issues that may arise in connection with your candidature.

2.1. Common Misconceptions

Many students harbor some serious misconceptions about postgraduate candidature. Some of the most common are outlined and debunked below in Q \& A format. In all cases, the resolution of these misconceptions can be reached by remembering the purpose of a postgraduate degree:

The purpose of a postgraduate (research) degree is for the candidate to reach the point where he/she has demonstrated the ability to be an independent scientific researcher.

[Q.] Must the thesis all be on one topic?
[A.] No. You can have more than one topic in a thesis — many do. So long as you don't end up with 10 totally unrelated snippets of research, work on more than one topic demonstrates research strength, not weakness.

[Q.] Must I rewrite my papers into a different format before incorporating them in my thesis?
[A.] No. Incorporate them directly, with at most minimal massaging to put them in a unified typographical style (even this isn't essential). If necessary, write an overview chapter to tie them all together and add additional material as appendixes (e.g., computer codes). If your supervisor has contributed sections to a chapter, don't delete them, just explain which they are in the thesis's statement of originality.

[Q.] Should I wait until after my thesis to write the material up for publication.
[A.] Absolutely not! All, or nearly all, of your work should have been submitted for publication before you start writing your thesis in earnest. This will give you practise at writing before embarking on the thesis and will make the thesis itself much less work. Also, no sane examiner will be inclined to reject a thesis that contains several published papers.

[Q.] Should I leave writing up largely to my supervisor?
[A.] No. Unless your supervisor has done the bulk of some joint work, you should write the bulk of the paper on it. You should write up your own parts in any case, without waiting to be told to.

[Q.] Aren't talks, conferences, paper-writing, etc., distractions from my main work of research?
[A.] Nothing could be further from the truth. Any scientific researcher must keep abreast of their field and disseminate their results to other workers in the field. Communication is at the core of science. To do this, one must both attend and give talks, go to conferences, and publish research results.

[Q.] Is it really essential to publish? Isn't the thesis what it's all about?
[A.] Publish or perish. The first cut in most postdoctoral selection processes these days is to eliminate all applicants without refereed publications or patents. Also, you have a scientific obligation to disseminate your research results — how else will anyone else know what you've done? A simple rule is: If you haven't published (or patented) your research, you haven't done it.

[Q.] How many papers should I publish?
[A.] This varies somewhat between fields. A rule of thumb is that a Ph.D. thesis should correspond to roughly 3 papers in refereed international journals. Certainly it should correspond to at least one, no matter what the field (otherwise, why bother).

[Q.] The bulk of my project isn't ever going to be publishable? What should I do?
[A.] Change projects fast. If it's not potentially publishable or patentable, it's not research.

[Q.] I should have no duties or activities other than to get on with my research, right?
[A.] This is nonsense. Talking to others is a vital part of scientific research. Also, there are many miscellaneous ``housekeeping'' duties in any scientific research setting that are officially no-one's responsibility, but which must be done — everyone has a role in doing them. These may include keeping research and common ideas tidy (as opposed to cleaning), ordering stationery and supplies, maintaining web pages, etc.

[Q.] My supervisor will keep up with the literature. Do I need to be in the library much?
[A.] Yes. It's your job to keep up with the literature in your field and connected ones. By the end of your degree you, not your supervisor, should be the local expert on your thesis topic. You should also be reading widely to maintain and extend your general scientific knowledge.

[Q.] Is there really time to do all the things that are asked/required of me?
[A.] Yes. Many students seem to manage.

[Q.] Surely 3 years is an absurd target. Isn't 4 or 5 more realistic?
[A.] You should aim for 3 and a maximum of 3.5 (1.5 – 2 for an M.Sc.). If your supervisor thinks at the outset that the project will take more than this, it is probably unsuitable and should be redesigned. Many students finish in 3 – 3.5 years and future funding cuts are likely to be unkind to extended candidatures.

[Q.] Experimental projects take about a year longer than theoretical ones, don't they?
[A.] Historically, there has been such a tendency, but there are also many exceptions and there is no real reason why it should be so. If you want to finish in good time, don't choose a project with too much up-front construction work. Also, if you are embarking on an instrumentation/observing project, your prospective supervisor should have begun the equipment-ordering/observing-time application process before your arrival. If they haven't, count on several extra months on your candidature, possibly wasted. Don't forget that you are supposed to put some science in a Ph.D., not just equipment building!

[Q.] I can avoid learning too much English because my work is mostly mathematical/experimental and I work by myself.
[A.] No!!! For good or ill, English is the international language of Physics and communication is the lifeblood of science. Well over 90\% of Physics papers are published in English (most of the rest in Russian, reprinted in English). It would be madness for any student not to take the opportunity to improve their English speaking, listening, and writing skills during their candidature. One good place to practise speaking and listening in a non-threatening environment is the Tea Room, by talking with other students or staff.

[Q.] Must my thesis must be presented in beautiful form, with special margins, line spacings, etc?
[A.] No. If you wish, you can present 4 copies in temporary bindings (e.g., spiral bindings) for examination. Whether in temporary or final form, the thesis can and should be made single-spaced and double-sided. Double-spaced, single-sided theses belong in the days of carbon paper and mechanical typewriters. The University has no special requirements on margins or style, except that your supervisor must certify that the thesis is ``in a form suitable for examination''. The Ph.D. regulations state the few requirements that actually exist.

A key point to note here is that the whole thesis needn't be in electronic form. In particular, don't waste undue amounts of time scanning in figures into electronic files — it's often quicker to use scissors and glue. Electronic files can be very useful once you have them, but getting them can be a terrible waste of time unless you plan to use them repeatedly.

[Q.] Can I start a postdoc before my thesis has been passed?
[A.] In most places, yes, so long as it has been submitted. However, if you don't have any publications, this question probably won't arise.

2.2. Ph.D. Timetable

Note that this timetable assumes full-time candidature. Part-time candidates should approximately double the time intervals shown. M.Sc. research students should reduce the time intervals and amounts of output (talks, papers, etc.) by a factor of roughly two. The numbers of publications mentioned are typical values that should be achievable by most students if they think in terms of publication from the outset — many students write more.

Year 1

• Choose a project (if you haven't already done so). The overall outline and details of the first stages should rapidly become clear.
• Order necessary equipment/make observing requests. (These should really be in train before you start.)
• Read intensively and talk regularly with your supervisor (at least every week).
• Begin preliminary work to get to grips with the initial stages of your research problem.
• Write an outline of your proposed Ph.D. at the end of 1st semester. This outline is useful, but is not a straitjacket — it can always be changed later.
• The project should be well under way by 2nd semester.
• The topic of the first paper should be clear and much/all of the necessary material available by the end of the first year.
• Coursework should normally be done this year.

Year 2

• The Postgraduate Review Committee will review progress in 1st Semester.
• Research and reading should continue at an increased pace.
• Writing of a first paper should occur around first semester.
• A draft literature survey or overview chapter could be written in 1st semester or even in 2nd semester of 1st year.
• Students should plan to attend a conference and/or collaborate briefly at another institution by early 3rd year if they have not yet done so. Travel grant applications are due near the beginning of the calendar year.
• It is likely that much material for a 2nd paper will be acquired this year.
• Your Ph.D. outline should be revised every 6 months and you should plan to avoid the emergence of major time-consuming gaps in Year 3.
• Observers should keep up a steady stream of observing proposals to avoid delays.
• Give a talk on your progress early in the year.

Year 3

• Typically, 2 – 3 papers should have been written by mid year, with material for a 3rd or 4th coming in.
  
  From mid 1st semester, research should concentrate on filling in gaps remaining in the overall research plan.
• You should start submitting job applications 8 – 12 months before you complete. Typically you should submit at least 10 during your final year.
  
  A draft overview/literature survey chapter should be completed, aimed at tying the other chapters together.
• Around early 2nd semester the bulk of the research should be complete, with only gaps to fill in.
• The thesis should be commenced in earnest around the start of 2nd semester.
• Around the end of 2nd semester, final research results should be submitted as one or more papers and then incorporated directly into the thesis.
• Give a talk on your project as a whole.

Year 4

• Final tying up of loose ends may overflow into 1st semester. The thesis and all associated papers should be submitted by mid year (papers first, thesis after).
• Candidature should usually only extend into 2nd semester if there have been hold-ups due to unexpected equipment problems, health difficulties, etc. No candidature should have been {\it planned} at the outset to take more than 3.5 years, allowing for normal levels of hold-ups and delays.

Year 5+

• Only students who have encountered severe problems should still be working at this point, closely monitored by the Postgraduate Review Committee.